Mr. Creepy Rates Hollywood's Latest Cheese!
Sunday, October 08, 2006
  The Departed
4. Whoo-wee. That's some intense shit right there. The Departed is one of those hard to rate films because it doesn't fit and of the standard movie molds. It's a very raw and harshly realistic movie that doesn't explain itself as it goes along. Either keep up or get the fuck out of the theater. Profanity and violence abound. (How many head shots does it take before you get jaded from seeing them? Answer: more than even this film has.) Nicholson is humorously terrifying as a NYC crime lord. He scared the pants right off me. (Seriously.... the usher had to come around again and tell me to get dressed.) His character is fascinating in that way that being too close to a live grizzly bear is fascinating. I'm told that during casting, Matt Damon and Leonardo [gag] DiCaprio were interchangable as far as which character they would be cast in. I think they made the best choice. Hollywood has finally found the best way to shoot their regrattably-proclaimed golden boy.... in lots of quick, angry glimpses while the rest of the movie is allowed to flow around him. Mark Wahlberg is a 5000-rounds-per-second gattling gun of profanity. And Vera Farmiga's eyes have a mind and pants-altering effect on me.

The Departed is not for the squeemish, nor for those made uncomfortable by non-formulaic plotlines. If you'd like a raw, gritty shot to the head of the other-worldly drama that is the NYC crime scene, this is the movie for you.
  11:46 AM
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What's this all about?

This blog is basically for me... so I can remember what the hell I watched over the years. If it saves you some time and money, so much the better. But rather than use some lame-ass rating system where even a "5" can designate a really stank movie, I've chosen to use the brilliant Creepy Scale at which "1" is the point at which the film is even remotely worth seeing. Anything lower than that a 1, and your time would be better spent in a coma or stabbing yourself repeatedly in the thigh with a fork. Allow me to explain:

The Creepy Scale© of movie rating:

  0   For the love of god, no! It's two whole hours of your life that you'll be begging to have back! Not only is this not worth seeing, it may well be worth not seeing.
  1   If, while flipping through network TV channels in some dive motel, your choices are this or the Weather Channel... choose this. The parts they edit out for network broadcast won't make a bit of difference.
  2   Let's be realistic. Of course you're going to go out and see that annoying old college room mate over a few beers. But set the VCR for this as you're headed out the door. Some night at 3:00 am when the insomnia's kicked in and you're thinking about calling him again, pop this in instead. You won't feel like you wasted your night this time.
  3   Rent it if Blockbuster is out of new releases or you need to rent a movie that can be made substancially more fun by watching with a bunch of friends. It'll be better than Ishtar, I gaurentee.
  4  Movies like this make it worth subscribing to the premium movie channel of your choice just so you can avoid the year long wait that it takes to reach regular TV.
  5   It'll be great on your balls-nasty home theater system. And you'll feel all financially smug knowing you waited for it.
  6   Got a free movie pass? Now's the time, baby! The only thing seperating this from a good rental is that there's something about it that you should see on a whopping big theater screen or surrounded by the unwashed masses with bathtubs full of greasy overpriced popcorn.
  7  The Scenario: You have 2 hours worth of afternoon to waste and you're out of clean underwear. You can either go see this flick or do some laundry. Settle into those skid marks for one more day and get out there.
  8   Go ahead, take the afternoon off for a nice matinee. You'll feel like a wealthy man knowing you saw this film and only paid 5 bucks to do it.
  9   The traffic, the crowd, the wallet sucking full price admission, and the 6 dollar Twislers..... By the time you leave the theater after seeing this, they'll have all been worth it.
  10  No matter how many times you see it, this one's entertaining every single time. You won't mind paying full price for it again and again, and you'll probably want to own it as soon at it's out on DVD.