Mr. Creepy Rates Hollywood's Latest Cheese!
Friday, August 18, 2006
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1. It's a "kids with super powers" movie.... certainly falls within my prefered genres. I'd seen the commercials and, fully realizing it might be a little more kid-centric than Sky High, thought "how bad could it be?" The answer is, sadly, pretty bad. Oh, I was somewhat entertained, but that was definately despite the writer and director... who, for all I know, was Tom Green off his Ritlin. It was obvious throughout this movie that the writer and/or director didn't give a shit about this thing. The story was incredibly choppy, the dialog was the Disney Channel at its worst, and the scenes made me feel like the director had somewhere else to be. ("Take one! ... Cut. ... Fine. ... Let's move on.") It's a shame, really, because it could have been a much more enjoyable movie. The basic plot was sound, and they'd managed to put together a cast who, under the right circumstances, might have done something magically fun (Tim Allen, Courtney Cox, Chevy Chase, Rip Torn, and an assortment of cute teens and preteens). Instead we got directionless meandering. I'm not going to pick this movie to pieces as, honestly, it's simply not worth it and I wouldn't know where to start. But I was left with one aching curiousity.... There's a fat kid who can expand any part of his body, who's obviously a normal sized actor-kid in a fat suit, who you figure at some point is going to become normal sized in the movie.... but he never does! The "expansion" is all done with cheap CGI, so what's up with the fat suit?? Why not just cast a fat actor? Was the director sadistic and just didn't like the kid?

Catch this in a couple months on the Disney Channel if there's nothing more interesting on the Weather Channel.
 
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What's this all about?

This blog is basically for me... so I can remember what the hell I watched over the years. If it saves you some time and money, so much the better. But rather than use some lame-ass rating system where even a "5" can designate a really stank movie, I've chosen to use the brilliant Creepy Scale at which "1" is the point at which the film is even remotely worth seeing. Anything lower than that a 1, and your time would be better spent in a coma or stabbing yourself repeatedly in the thigh with a fork. Allow me to explain:

The Creepy Scale© of movie rating:

  0   For the love of god, no! It's two whole hours of your life that you'll be begging to have back! Not only is this not worth seeing, it may well be worth not seeing.

  1   If, while flipping through network TV channels in some dive motel, your choices are this or the Weather Channel... choose this. The parts they edit out for network broadcast won't make a bit of difference.

  2   Let's be realistic. Of course you're going to go out and see that annoying old college room mate over a few beers. But set the VCR for this as you're headed out the door. Some night at 3:00 am when the insomnia's kicked in and you're thinking about calling him again, pop this in instead. You won't feel like you wasted your night this time.

  3   Rent it if Blockbuster is out of new releases or you need to rent a movie that can be made substancially more fun by watching with a bunch of friends. It'll be better than Ishtar, I gaurentee.

  4  Movies like this make it worth subscribing to the premium movie channel of your choice just so you can avoid the year long wait that it takes to reach regular TV.

  5   It'll be great on your balls-nasty home theater system. And you'll feel all financially smug knowing you waited for it.

  6   Got a free movie pass? Now's the time, baby! The only thing seperating this from a good rental is that there's something about it that you should see on a whopping big theater screen or surrounded by the unwashed masses with bathtubs full of greasy overpriced popcorn.

  7  The Scenario: You have 2 hours worth of afternoon to waste and you're out of clean underwear. You can either go see this flick or do some laundry. Settle into those skid marks for one more day and get out there.

  8   Go ahead, take the afternoon off for a nice matinee. You'll feel like a wealthy man knowing you saw this film and only paid 5 bucks to do it.

  9   The traffic, the crowd, the wallet sucking full price admission, and the 6 dollar Twislers..... By the time you leave the theater after seeing this, they'll have all been worth it.

  10  No matter how many times you see it, this one's entertaining every single time. You won't mind paying full price for it again and again, and you'll probably want to own it as soon at it's out on DVD.