Mr. Creepy Rates Hollywood's Latest Cheese!
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
  Rental: Chicken Little
2. DISCLAIMER: I was awfully sleepy when I watched this movie. That may have tainted my impression of it. Chicken Little is a poorly contructed movie that was a romp through the last third of it, but should have been fun through the rest. Once you plod through the first 2/3 of the movie, which surely had theater-going children bouncing and crying bored in their seats, the film finally gets to what it should have been as of 10 minutes into it: An alien invasion movie. What-the-raygun-wielding-fuck are you people doing trying to shoehorn a heartstring-plucking father/son drama into the beginning of this movie? What, without it you couldn't produce more than an entertaining 20 minute short film? You shoulda ran with the 20. It was boring, uncomfortable-making and certainly not at all appealing to children, let alone the adults who chose to see this movie.... you know... your target audience?

Once the sky starts falling, things brighten up immensely. It becomes the movie it was meant to be. The ride is far too short though. The characters are interesting (for some reason I particularly liked Fish), but the focus was never on those characters and their personalities/quirks. I could never shake the feeling that the writers were trying to say "see how clever we are?" You'll get a good chuckle from Chicken Little when it finally rolls around to cable, but unless you've got a free rental coming, there's a lot better things to spend your time watching.
 
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What's this all about?

This blog is basically for me... so I can remember what the hell I watched over the years. If it saves you some time and money, so much the better. But rather than use some lame-ass rating system where even a "5" can designate a really stank movie, I've chosen to use the brilliant Creepy Scale at which "1" is the point at which the film is even remotely worth seeing. Anything lower than that a 1, and your time would be better spent in a coma or stabbing yourself repeatedly in the thigh with a fork. Allow me to explain:

The Creepy Scale© of movie rating:

  0   For the love of god, no! It's two whole hours of your life that you'll be begging to have back! Not only is this not worth seeing, it may well be worth not seeing.

  1   If, while flipping through network TV channels in some dive motel, your choices are this or the Weather Channel... choose this. The parts they edit out for network broadcast won't make a bit of difference.

  2   Let's be realistic. Of course you're going to go out and see that annoying old college room mate over a few beers. But set the VCR for this as you're headed out the door. Some night at 3:00 am when the insomnia's kicked in and you're thinking about calling him again, pop this in instead. You won't feel like you wasted your night this time.

  3   Rent it if Blockbuster is out of new releases or you need to rent a movie that can be made substancially more fun by watching with a bunch of friends. It'll be better than Ishtar, I gaurentee.

  4  Movies like this make it worth subscribing to the premium movie channel of your choice just so you can avoid the year long wait that it takes to reach regular TV.

  5   It'll be great on your balls-nasty home theater system. And you'll feel all financially smug knowing you waited for it.

  6   Got a free movie pass? Now's the time, baby! The only thing seperating this from a good rental is that there's something about it that you should see on a whopping big theater screen or surrounded by the unwashed masses with bathtubs full of greasy overpriced popcorn.

  7  The Scenario: You have 2 hours worth of afternoon to waste and you're out of clean underwear. You can either go see this flick or do some laundry. Settle into those skid marks for one more day and get out there.

  8   Go ahead, take the afternoon off for a nice matinee. You'll feel like a wealthy man knowing you saw this film and only paid 5 bucks to do it.

  9   The traffic, the crowd, the wallet sucking full price admission, and the 6 dollar Twislers..... By the time you leave the theater after seeing this, they'll have all been worth it.

  10  No matter how many times you see it, this one's entertaining every single time. You won't mind paying full price for it again and again, and you'll probably want to own it as soon at it's out on DVD.