Mr. Creepy Rates Hollywood's Latest Cheese!
Monday, March 27, 2006
  Rental: The Longest Yard
4. You know, it's a sad statement on the film industry when I'm forced to admit I enjoyed this movie more than the other 3 I rented. Let me qualify this commentary by stating up front that I never saw the original Longest Yard, which probably brightens this review tremendously... but I enjoyed this movie a lot. While I like Adam Sandler a lot, both he and Chris Rock are terribly miscast in the lead roles here, but the rest of the casting is spot on... Mostly unknowns and little-knowns who bring a freshness and a we're-not-going-to-take-this-too-seriously-ness to the movie. It's also worth an isolated notation that Courtney Cox and her breasts look outstanding in the first 5 minutes of the movie (which is all she's in). Shortly after that, the "Oncoming-Train-Wreck-o-Meter" does slip briefly into condition yellow, but once the exposition is out of the way and the actors have the freedom to enjoy themselves, the movie rights itself and you get a chance to have a good time with it. By the time the credits roll, you end up with a warm feeling of "ok, that was harmless fun." I wasn't at all sure I wanted to rent this to begin with, but I'm glad I did.
  6:09 AM
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What's this all about?

This blog is basically for me... so I can remember what the hell I watched over the years. If it saves you some time and money, so much the better. But rather than use some lame-ass rating system where even a "5" can designate a really stank movie, I've chosen to use the brilliant Creepy Scale at which "1" is the point at which the film is even remotely worth seeing. Anything lower than that a 1, and your time would be better spent in a coma or stabbing yourself repeatedly in the thigh with a fork. Allow me to explain:

The Creepy Scale© of movie rating:

  0   For the love of god, no! It's two whole hours of your life that you'll be begging to have back! Not only is this not worth seeing, it may well be worth not seeing.
  1   If, while flipping through network TV channels in some dive motel, your choices are this or the Weather Channel... choose this. The parts they edit out for network broadcast won't make a bit of difference.
  2   Let's be realistic. Of course you're going to go out and see that annoying old college room mate over a few beers. But set the VCR for this as you're headed out the door. Some night at 3:00 am when the insomnia's kicked in and you're thinking about calling him again, pop this in instead. You won't feel like you wasted your night this time.
  3   Rent it if Blockbuster is out of new releases or you need to rent a movie that can be made substancially more fun by watching with a bunch of friends. It'll be better than Ishtar, I gaurentee.
  4  Movies like this make it worth subscribing to the premium movie channel of your choice just so you can avoid the year long wait that it takes to reach regular TV.
  5   It'll be great on your balls-nasty home theater system. And you'll feel all financially smug knowing you waited for it.
  6   Got a free movie pass? Now's the time, baby! The only thing seperating this from a good rental is that there's something about it that you should see on a whopping big theater screen or surrounded by the unwashed masses with bathtubs full of greasy overpriced popcorn.
  7  The Scenario: You have 2 hours worth of afternoon to waste and you're out of clean underwear. You can either go see this flick or do some laundry. Settle into those skid marks for one more day and get out there.
  8   Go ahead, take the afternoon off for a nice matinee. You'll feel like a wealthy man knowing you saw this film and only paid 5 bucks to do it.
  9   The traffic, the crowd, the wallet sucking full price admission, and the 6 dollar Twislers..... By the time you leave the theater after seeing this, they'll have all been worth it.
  10  No matter how many times you see it, this one's entertaining every single time. You won't mind paying full price for it again and again, and you'll probably want to own it as soon at it's out on DVD.