Mr. Creepy Rates Hollywood's Latest Cheese!
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
  Firewall
3. I have a strange relationship with Harrison Ford. I really enjoy watching him in movies... and I really cringe when I see him in candid appearances (talk shows, promotional appearances, award shows, etc). I think he's a decent actor and very likable on screen. But live, he comes across as kind of a nutjob and, based on characteristic mannerisms and the fact that during the SAG Awards he made his co-presenter hold his drink, one might get the impression he has a drinking problem. Who can say (except perhaps his stick figure wife)? The alternate reality that Hollywood success creates for each actor is different from the next. In Mr. Ford's case, I just hope it never affects his carreer. And we've got to get that next Indiana Jones movie done before Ford crosses that "just too old to pull it off" line..... which, seeing him in Firewall, could happen sometime next Tuesday.

As for Firewall, it's a pleasant enough diversion, fairly predictable with no (unexpected) surprises. There was one unexpected "Dumbass." moment on the part of the main villain which I kind of enjoyed. The "villain on top"/"hero on top" ratio was a little skewed in the villain's favor, making the first part of the movie a little long. When we get to Ford's "oh ho! I have the upper hand!" moment, the movie becomes much more enjoyable (but I have a vindictive personality, so take that into consideration). While I like Ford in almost everything I've seen him in, he almost feels miscast in this role a high tech computer security guy. He always feels more down to earth than high tech to me. So, while Firewall brings nothing particularly thrilling to the table, it's certainly better than Ishtar.
 
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What's this all about?

This blog is basically for me... so I can remember what the hell I watched over the years. If it saves you some time and money, so much the better. But rather than use some lame-ass rating system where even a "5" can designate a really stank movie, I've chosen to use the brilliant Creepy Scale at which "1" is the point at which the film is even remotely worth seeing. Anything lower than that a 1, and your time would be better spent in a coma or stabbing yourself repeatedly in the thigh with a fork. Allow me to explain:

The Creepy Scale© of movie rating:

  0   For the love of god, no! It's two whole hours of your life that you'll be begging to have back! Not only is this not worth seeing, it may well be worth not seeing.

  1   If, while flipping through network TV channels in some dive motel, your choices are this or the Weather Channel... choose this. The parts they edit out for network broadcast won't make a bit of difference.

  2   Let's be realistic. Of course you're going to go out and see that annoying old college room mate over a few beers. But set the VCR for this as you're headed out the door. Some night at 3:00 am when the insomnia's kicked in and you're thinking about calling him again, pop this in instead. You won't feel like you wasted your night this time.

  3   Rent it if Blockbuster is out of new releases or you need to rent a movie that can be made substancially more fun by watching with a bunch of friends. It'll be better than Ishtar, I gaurentee.

  4  Movies like this make it worth subscribing to the premium movie channel of your choice just so you can avoid the year long wait that it takes to reach regular TV.

  5   It'll be great on your balls-nasty home theater system. And you'll feel all financially smug knowing you waited for it.

  6   Got a free movie pass? Now's the time, baby! The only thing seperating this from a good rental is that there's something about it that you should see on a whopping big theater screen or surrounded by the unwashed masses with bathtubs full of greasy overpriced popcorn.

  7  The Scenario: You have 2 hours worth of afternoon to waste and you're out of clean underwear. You can either go see this flick or do some laundry. Settle into those skid marks for one more day and get out there.

  8   Go ahead, take the afternoon off for a nice matinee. You'll feel like a wealthy man knowing you saw this film and only paid 5 bucks to do it.

  9   The traffic, the crowd, the wallet sucking full price admission, and the 6 dollar Twislers..... By the time you leave the theater after seeing this, they'll have all been worth it.

  10  No matter how many times you see it, this one's entertaining every single time. You won't mind paying full price for it again and again, and you'll probably want to own it as soon at it's out on DVD.